Read Me

When I got my wireless router pack from Talk Talk with the letter claiming "getting started is a breeze", I knew from my previous dealings with Talk Talk that it was very likely going to be a bit more than a breeze. Perhaps "getting started is anything from a strong gust of wind to a full blown hurricane" would have been more appropriate.

They also claim "1, 2, 3, 4. That's how easy it is". Again, a more honest expectation would be "x*x + 2x - 35 = 0. That's how easy it is."

At the top of the welcoming letter, big funky green letters spell out "Read me". I assume this instruction is aimed at the majority of people wanting to use this waste of paper to wipe their arse with.

So when it doesn't go to plan, and I call the helpline and get put on hold during which time I have managed to help Ky have a poo, spoken to a neighbour across the road, cut Ky's toenails, picked up the toenails using a fun counting song, replaced some batteries and broken a fridge magnet, I get to hear a distant voice announcing "I'm a retard."
"Sorry?"
"I'm a retard."
Pause.
Nervous cough. Mine.
"You are a retard?"
"No, I AM RICHARD" says the heavily Indian accented voice.

Ok, we got off to a bad start. I think you think you are a retard, and you are already lying to me because you are not Richard are you. You might be Vishnumurti, Sandeep or Prakash, but you are not Richard.

What followed, was an excruciating conversation which took an hour of my life which I will never get back that went round and round in about seventy circles and ended up with my apparently having to purchase something extra for £15 in order to make this "a breeze".

Anyway, to make reading this rant worthwhile for some of you, a good tip when dealing with Talk Talk is they respond rather well to sulking. "Forget it. Just cancel the whole thing. I don't want it anymore. " That kind of thing. Then all of a sudden you will get to speak to a voice that does not think it's a retard and will let you off being conned out of £15.