Restless Legs

I am slowly starting to return to normal life on planet Earth after being stranded on planet Evil Flu for a week - in Earth time, that is. On planet Evil Flu, every day seems like a month. A long, painful, and torturous month.

I ventured out for the first time on Friday; when I stepped outside the front door I felt like leaping down the road singing "Fame! I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly...high!". Instead, I hobbled down the road, leaning on the pram for dear life, bought some bread in Sainsburys, and returned home, feeling like I'd just climbed Mount Everest.

Today I took Ky to the park. He had also not been well, so off we both went, looking pasty and fragile. I enjoyed the honeymoon period which happens after being so ill, suddenly the world seems so beautiful; oh look, a flower....oh, the sound of leaves crunching under my feet....delightful...is that a squirrel I see scampering up this mighty tree?...oh look.........dog shit. Oh and someone's left a used condom on the kerb. Honeymoon over.

I think, if I had to describe the worst moment of my visit on planet Evil Flu, was one night as I was lying in bed, thinking "It can't get much worse than this", what with my sore throat, my chesty cough (which I had to try and stifle so as not to wake Ky lying next to me who was burning up a fever), my hot head, aches, pains, etc. Oh but it can. This evil flu had one more card to play. It's a disorder designed to actually push you over the edge of sanity. It's....Restless Leg Syndrome. For those of you who haven't heard of it, I'm not making it up, go on, check it on Google. There are even support forums for regular sufferers. It all begins with not finding a comfortable position for my legs. Then, when I am convinced I have tried every single position imaginable, bearing in mind I am quite creative and not put off by the sheer impracticality of some of the positions I was able to dream up, I try tapping my legs, scratching them, flicking them, pinching them....but nothing, nothing eases that feeling of restlessness. It's like the legs need something, but you don't know what it is. After half an hour, I am exhausted, as if the flu hasn't drained me enough, my performance of leg acrobatics have finished me off. This is when I start losing the plot. "Why can't you just be like my arms?" I tell my legs, giving the emotional blackmail a shot "Look at my arms, they are so still and peaceful". It gets worse. I start having fantasies about amputating my own legs. You just can't imagine how tiresome, how frustrating Restless Leg Syndrome can be. It turns you against your own legs. Or the other way round, I'm not sure. Finally, as I lie there, my legs twitching away, my helplessness overwhelms me and I shed a tear. And I swear, I can hear my own legs laughing at me....